Look Closer...

you know what i hate?

that attitude:

"i don't care whatever you do behind closed doors
but don't you dare let me see that in public
or in my own home"

fuck you too

I know this is ultra lame, but I really just wanted to post something that would reach a lot of people, because a lot of people deserve this from me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not being around, for not being the friend that you need or deserve.

I'm sorry for not hanging out, for bailing out and calling off.

I'm sorry for having excuses.

I have been a pretty big asshole lately and there really is no excuse and I'm sorry.

Life has been a bit rough and a bit out of control, but I just feel bad for not being around.
I'm going to work on that.

Most importantly: I miss you

Every couple nights or so
You know you pop into my dreams
I just can’t get rid of you
Like you got rid of me


You say it best benny folds

Look! It's pink now!


( PINK! )

Today was strange and sad and magical.

But it was also really happy.

today was good.
like real good.

oh sigh.

Think of me
Anyway you want
I can be
The problem if that's easier
In your head
Move the pieces around
Things I've said
Turn the memory upside down

And it makes it better I know
But sometimes it's hard to swallow

In time I will fade away
In time I won't hear what you say
In time, but time takes time you know

Tell your friends
The things they wanna hear and see
Start the drums
Band against the enemy

And in time I will fade away
In time I won't care what you say
In time, but time takes time you know

-Ben Folds "Time"

heart = sad

Every second of every day I am learning more and more about who I am and what I was put here on this earth to do.

It really makes every second worth it.

Every single second I am changing the world.
And you are too.

I love these moments of clarity that are so saturated with uncertainty. I love how nothing is clear cut, how there are no distinctions. How everything is part of everything else. I love how we are all the same in the fact that we are all different. I love how I can never be sure of something without being unsure of it. I love how my entire picture of the world can change just like that. I love how there are other people out there who think these things. I love that they are doing something about it. I love how it gives me hope that I can do something about the things that I think and feel. I love feeling...everything. I love being nothing and everything at the same time. I love being a new person everyday while I am cementing an unchanging identity deep in my core.

I love rainbows even more.

I have had more to say in the past week or so than I can even put tangible thoughts to. It will all start to seep out eventually. Everything will happen. I'm in love with the world. It is a terrible place. But deep down we all know it's not supposed to be that way. And that's why it is beautiful. Everyone is connected, no matter how alone you feel. We just have to find that connection again. We need to realize that there are no such thing as the labels and distinctions we give ourselves. We need to realize we are all just people and we all feel and live and experience and somewhere along that line we are all the same. We need to stop fearing what we don't understand so we can start to understand it.

I am going to change the world.
No doubt about it.

i think i'm mostly crazy

and all the way in love

my life has become a caffeinated dream.
it buzzes and sways.
nothing seems real
although the presence of reality is all too strong.
we have to make our own sense of our lives
because no one will do it for us.
and when we stand to walk,
if we swagger or fall,
we have to catch ourselves,
because no one else will.

it's funny when people ask how i got my hair like this...
um, hair dye?

I don't care what anyone says... I love being out in the snow and I think it's fucking beautiful.

So there.

Does anyone else find this as fantastic as I do?
http://cnn.netscape.cnn.com/news/package.jsp?floc=ns-tos-toda-h-02&name=fte/wordsnotreal/wordsnotreal

What are your favorite made-up words?
I like funderful...

Last night I dyed my hair purple.

And my hands and face and body and shower purple...

I'm trying to remedy it now.

My hair looks sweet though!

Here are some pictures of my hair during the dye process and me afterwards with blue hair and an eyebrow ring. Good?
( Hair Party )

i believe i am one of few people who gets fortunes in fortune cookies that are pretty dead on. and pretty darn frequently too. (or maybe i just attribute too much meaning to these sorts of things... both are probably pretty accurate)

the fortune:
"If you chase two rabbits, both will escape"

maybe it would be more accurate if it said 6 or 7 or 8 or a million rabbits... but it makes itself pretty clear. the question is then... am i actually trying to catch anything?

who knows? maybe i just want to chase until i let them escape and then chase some more.

well i bought some cookies and all is well...
sometimes you just need cookies.

i also bought cider and finger-paint which i intend to use.

it's amazing what can change in a few hours, a few minutes even.

i decided to drop one of my classes.
i also decided to drop my worries and concerns
I also decided to be free

so im going to stay up all night.
do some things i have to
some i want to

tomorrow im going to make spectacular.

because if you can, why not make every day spectacular?

on the one hand: my life is really really amazing right now and i really like it
on the other hand: i feel so trapped and lost right now (unable to find an escape and even if i did i would be too lost and wouldn't know where to go) that it makes me hate my life so much

i could sum it up this way
the big picture = sucks sucks sucks
the little things = really really amazing

i guess i just need to keep appreciating the little things so i don't flip out and lose my mind

damn
i don't want my life to be hard because it doesn't have to be
but i guess you have to fight to get it the way you want it
and this is sure going to be one hell of a fight

maybe i just need some cookies